Sorry Rico

so at the beginning of the school year i fell head over heels for this guy Rico. He was funny, easy to be around, didn't drink, or smoke. He was the first guy I ever completely lost my head over. He told me one night that he liked me and I was so over joyed that I couldn't fall asleep that night; reality was just so much better than my dreams then. In short he was too scared to get into a relationship, no matter how much he wanted one, and I didn't deserve to feel as if I wasn't good enough to be in one with him.

   After I broke things off with him it became obvious that friends wasn't something we were gonna do. So as hard as it was I eventually (after a rebound relationship, I trip to Cozad, and a lot of walks) got over it. Rico it turns out wasn't who I thought he was. He drank when we were "sort of together" smoked and who knows what else.

     Well I have began to really like someone else, but the other night after a dance Rico began to talk to me again. I'm not stupid; i know I wasn't going to fall for him, but I missed him as a friend. 

   Even so there was a sliver in the back of my mind that worried I would fall again. Luckily, yet sadly something occurred that would reassure me it wouldn't happen again.

  Well the other night Rico and a few other people I know well went drinking at a friend's grandma's house. Rico got drunk and screwed a random chick. Turns out he chipped in her V-card without realizing it.

  At first I was grinning at the news because after the lies he told me and the pain I endured I thought a cosmic "Ha-ha" had slapped him in the face. My face literally had a grin on it the entire day. 

   Then I realized that the Rico I know probably feels terrible. And I shouldn't relish in someone else's pain; especially when there is a chick out there that settled for a one night fling to be something as special as her first time.

     Luckily this has shown me that i'll never care for him how i once did, and that i'll only be a great "what if" in his life if i'm anything at all. 

I Make It Look Good

If you have ever met me you probably think I'm zany, confident, and outlandish. I am all those things, but I haven't been that way for very long. 

I'm a freshman at Central Community College Hastings, but if any of my college friends had met me a year or two ago they would have met a completely different person. I went to a small high school where everyone had gone to kindergarten together and I was the girl with the punk older sister and the autistic younger brother. So I kept to myself and only revealed myself to close friends. Senior year I slowly allowed myself to show who I was more openly (after a rough patch in my life, but thats another post entirely) because it was my senior year. Senior year is your last chance to make anything good out of your high school experience, and thats exactly what I did.

Senior year I did a lot of things to let myself be the real me, but that wasn't until I started college. I went to a small community college where I knew no one on campus, had no friends in the city, or even knew where a gas station was. But I was finally free from my dad's over bearing control (another post entirely as well) and I decided I wanted to make the best of my time here. So first thing I did was apply for a job as a student ambassador (I give tours and drive a golf cart. Simply the coolest job ever!) join judicial board, and any other activity I could get into. With all the stuff I was doing I was recognizable on campus (there's only like 900 people at the college so this isn't really hard to do) and I learned that I have a voice in things. For the first time in my life I knew I was capable of doing anything I wanted and nothing could stop me. To put it simply; I gained confidence.

Even though I'm in one of the better places in my life, I still have a lot weighing me down; my dad isn't speaking to me because of my religious beliefs, I still battle old demons that threaten me more and more as I progress in life, and I'm trying to get over the first time I really fell head over heels for someone; and figure out how to let myself fall for someone again.

So hopefully if I write it all out I can figure some things out. Though as a warning, I have a tendency to do stupid things (like an unnatural affixation for massing with a microwave and attempting to speak in accents I can't do) so if the posts stop coming its probably because I've ended up in jail or worse.